CAT "DO NOT" LIST BY CATEGORY
CATS AND FOOD/WATER

I will not wake my human up at 3 a.m. for breakfast.I will not peel and eat the raw potatoes that are in the basement.The human's food is not meant to be shared with me.I CAN eat a variety of different kinds of cat food.Other cats' food belongs to *other* cats.The dog food belongs to the dogs.Mummy's earlobes are not treats.Mummy's students' papers are not prey. (Silly students...they want to know why they get teethmarks back with their comments...)We do not kill our prey in the house.We do not leave bits and pieces of our prey on stoves, beds or kitchen counters.I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.The toilet is not a good place from which to drink water.If I don't eat all the kibbles at once, I won't barf later.I will not snitch dinner from the humans.I do not need to be spoon fed.I will not jump on the kitchen counter and make off with the roast beef (or the roast chicken).I will not climb my human's leg to get tuna fish.I will not reset my human's alarm clock by walking on it.I will not drink the bath water while my human is taking a bath.I will not lick at the faucet to encourage my human to turn on the drinking water.If I beg for food I will eat it.I will not fight over the catnip.I will not put my paw into the boiling water to snag a cooking shrimp.I will not topple the spice rack going for the catnip.I CAN eat canned cat food in flavors other than tuna.I will not dribble/spew/otherwise expectorate canned cat food all over the kitchen while I eat, thus giving Mommy one more giant mess to clean up.I will wait for Mommy to finish eating her Cheerios in the morning before I commence to drink all the milk out of the cereal bowl.Mommy can cook bacon *without* my help.Macaroni and cheese and chocolate cake are both *people* food.When I finish my supper, I will not stand on the human's chest and belch in his/her face.I will not start annoying the human to feed me until it's "only" 2 hours until suppertime, and when I am fed, I won't ignore it or try to "cover it up".I am not a goat. I will snack on only what is in my food dish and leave the plants, paper, plastic, string, etc, alone.I will not bring in my friend to share my food. I *can* wait until after 6:00 am to be fed on the weekends.Carrot juice is not a feline beverage.Melons are not kitty popsicles.The canned cat food is already dead. I don't need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.I will not eat the *whole* bag of algae wafers that Mom just bought for her pleco. (Plecostomus, sucker-mouthed catfish, an algae-eater--ed.)
When I "ask" for one more tidbit of your garlic chicken, I will try to keep my tail out of your food. 

    WHAT ABOUT THESE "HIGH TECH" CATS?


     

     

I will not jump on the break key when my human is on the modem.I will not faithfully chase the cursor around the screen.I will not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.I am not transparent: I shouldn't sit in front of the TV screen.Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.I will not turn off the answering machine when I play, which greatly upsets my human and destroys her already impaired social life.I will not knock over the stacks of CDs.I will not call someone on the phone. (Yes, this happened. 1) Step on the speaker button 2) Step on speed dial button)I will not (hang up the phone|press the buttons) when the human is on the phone.I will not press the reset button on the computer.I will not walk on the keyboard.I will not step on the (volume control|channel changer|power button) on the (stereo|VCR|TV) remote. (I make sure they point away from the item in question to avoid this after the stereo started getting really loud seemingly on its own one morning.)The vacuum cleaner is my *friend*.I will not head butt the control pad/joystick when the human is 10 seconds away from completing a game after 2 hours work, when on his last man.I will not demonstrate my intelligence by playing with the alarm clock anda) turning on the alarm in the middle of the night,b) turning off the alarm so my human doesn't wake up,c) changing the time. If I do this, my human will be angry, not impressed.I will not bat ewirvmdsjut0958 at the keys of Mom's computer, and expect treats to come out of the back (why else would Mom spend hours sitting at the stupid thing).I will not jump up on the microwave and push the phone off with my paw.
I will not toggle Mommy's word processor from insert to overtype mode. 

CATS DEALINGS WITH OTHER CRITTERS

The black animal with white stripes is not a plaything.I recognize that you brought that other cat home as a friend for me and not as a target of guerrilla attacks.The other cats are not chew toys.Rottweilers are not to be messed with.I will not attack another cat while his/her head is sticking out of the litter box.The other cat does not like it when I play with her tail.I will not harass the gerbils/hamsters/guinea pigs.The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.I will not have urine wars with the new cat in the house on the kitchen counter.I will wait until my human's bird-loving girlfriend leaves before bringing in a half-dead, still chirping, baby bird.I will not stalk my neighbor's cocker spaniel and scare it half to death.I will not round up my neighbour's sheep. (Hard to believe, but earlier this year I found N.D.F., one of our big black and white males, had rounded up one neighbour's flock of fifty sheep into a corner of their paddock. He didn't seem to know what to do with them next, so I left him to it...) Mom will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.I will not attack whatever dog comes innocently sniffing around the bushes at the front of the house.I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder(with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in. (My eldest cat has done this for *years*...)The cockatiel *likes* to be left in his cage.The cockatiel cage is not an indoor tree.Walking around the house with cockatiel feathers in my mouth is not funny. I will not try to taste the gerbils when Mom is holding one.Fish that jump out of the tank are not toys.Snakes do not taste good.I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.I will not catch mice to give to the dog to eat.We will not torment the dog by jumping off the fridge and landing on him.Lizards *need* their tails, and I do not have to capture them to bring home and drop into Mommy's shoes when she's not looking. The (110 lb husky cross) dog is not a pillow.I will not bring home live prey, and then release it inside the house, so I can show the humans my hunting technique.Sometimes, the yellow-and-black flying bugs [bee!] bite *back*! (Fortunately, no damage other than severe Loss Of Dignity).I will not pounce on the mosquito hawk bugs and then wonder why they don't get up and play some more.Garden lizards and toads make a cat very sick if bitten.I will not torment dogs by staring at them when they are being walked on a leash.While I am in the ICU for the second time due to things I ate that I wasn't supposed to, I will not pull my IV's out in order to squeeze through the bars of my cage and into the cage of my neighbor, the Yorkshire terrier, in order to spit, hiss, and scare him so badly that he has to be in an oxygen tank for a whole day.I will not try to encourage the 7-foot boa constrictor to break out of his cage. He would not be a good playmate.
I will not bring live snakes into the house. 

CATS AND GAMES/PLAYING..

  • I will not play "find the mouse" on the bed at midnight.
  • I will not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
  • The doorjambs are not made for climbing.
  • I will not use my female human's chest as a springboard.
  • The toilet paper does not exist so that I can shred it into little bits.
  • The piano is for humans to play.
  • The bed is not a WWF wrestling ring.
  • I will not play the game "tiger attack" when Mommy is weeding the garden.
  • When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
  • The living room is not a jungle gym with walls and curtains to be climbed.
  • The roof is not a racetrack for cats (or crows).
  • The outer windowsills, on floors 3 and above, are not good playing grounds. 
  • I will not play "Charge of the Light Brigade" with the other cat in the hallway at 3 a.m.
  • I will not drag Mom's knitting around the house, unravelling it in the process.
  • I will not lurk under the bed and pounce on the unsuspecting human's feet when s/he is getting in or out of bed.
  • When humans play ball games in the garden, I will not attack and move the balls. 

CATS AND TOYS..

  • Waste baskets do not have toys in them.
  • I will not put my lovely new rabbits foot in Mummie's roller pan when it is filled with nice pink paint AND expect her to throw it for me so I can fetch it.
  • I will not toss my poop out of the litter box and play hockey with it.
  • I will not bat every toy I own under the couch and then meow until someone comes and gets them (at 3 a.m.) for me.
  • My human's car and house keys are not toys and are certainly not something he wishes to play search-and-find when he is late for work.
  • I will not knock my toys under the refrigerator.
  • All those neat catnip toys are not for me, unless they are seconds. The nice ones Mommy is going to try to sell so that she can go to college.
  • Pipe cleaners are for pipestems and are not kitty toys. 
  • I will not raid the ashtray for used pipe cleaners.
  • I will not steal the other cat's toys.
  • I will not destroy a toy the first time I play with it.
  • I will not ignore my new toy only to suddenly find it interesting at 3 AM.
  • Q-tips are not fun toys that my human puts into the trash can for me to drag out and shred.
  • There is nothing in Mommy's tote bag that needs to be hunted down and slaughtered. 

 

CATS AND SLEEPING/PERSONAL COMFORT

I will not jump into the chair after my human gets up to do something.Night time is a good time to *sleep*.Mummy's face is not a pillow.A silk dress is not to be pulled off its hanger and used as a nest.I will not lie on my human's face in the middle of the night.I will not claw a hole in the sofa/box spring to make a nest.I will not lie down with my butt in the human's face.I will not knock things off the coffee table so I can lie down more comfortably.I will not lie on my human's girlfriend's chest with my butt in her face.I will not sleep on my human's head.I will not sleep under the blanket on the couch so that people sit on me.Morning wake-up calls for breakfast will be more polite.I won't be grumpy anymore when being moved from the toilet lid...my favorite place to nap.A loaf of unbaked bread is not my pillow (ours once slept on the dough made into bread and left to rise on the kitchen counter).I will not lie on clean laundry just after its been folded, no matter how warm and snuggly it might appear.The outdoor heating/AC unit is NOT a good place to sleep.
Mom has the right to breathe. So I will refrain from completely covering her face with my 15 lb body while she is sleeping. Even if her breath *is* the warmest air in the room, I won't have it at all if I succeed in suffocating her. 

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CATS AND BODILY FUNCTIONS

..ONLY IF YOU HAVE THE STOMACH FOR IT..

I will not throw up on highly absorbing surfaces.I will not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking my butt.I will whiz in the litter box, not on the bag with clean litter in it.I will cover my "presents" in the litter-box.I will not go to the linen closet to do my washing up when I come muddy and wet from my outing.My human is a good gardener, and the plants do not need extra fertilizer.There are better ways to "punish" the human than whizzing on something.I do not need to use ALL the kitty litter to bury my poop.We will not leave our turds in Mom's shoe when she comes to visit.I will not drool in my sleeping human's [ear|mouth]. Yechhhh.I will not shake my head when I have a drop of drool hanging from my mouth.I will not knead my human's neck with my claws extended.I will not use my litter box in full view of all Mommy's dinner guests *while* they are still eating.I will not smurgle on Mom's $120 Polartec sweatshirt.I will not spray my Daddy's new golf slacks when he's wearing them, even if they do have cherry stripes and only cost 50 cents from a garage sale.I will not use the garage roof as a litter box.Noisily chewing my toenails at 3 a.m. and spitting the pieces out on the bed annoys Mommy. I will restrain myself.I will not hack up a *huge* hairball on Mommy's brand-new futon.I will not hack up an even *bigger* hairball into Mommy first cup of coffee in the morning.I will not take a dump in Mommy's shoes or Auntie Heather's bed, even if I *do* have a touch of diarrhea, as the litter box is no further away than either of these other items. (Cruel, maybe, *but*...)I will refrain from licking my butt while sitting on anyone's lap.I will not spray Mommy's brand new $400 bread maker.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. 

CATS AND SCRATCHING/NOISE

The closet is a bad place to go to sharpen my claws.Scratching posts were meant to be used, not laughed at.I will not use the nicely carved kitchen table leg or the kitchen drawers as my scratching post.I will not shred the carpet and the front door in a temper because I am not allowed out at 3 am.My singing does not provide cultural enrichment.My human and her friends can sing without my assistance(a Siamese wailing is quite something.)I will not yowl during Dad's bagpipe records. That is not an attacking cat.
I will not run about the house yowling at the top of my lungs after being fed. 

CATS AND THE HUMAN FACTOR

  • Mummy's hair is not dental floss.
  • I will not balance my 25 pound body on my human's full bladder.
  • I will not sneak up behind my human so that when he turns around he either trips or twists his ankle when trying to avoid stepping on me.
  • I will not bother Mommy when she's practicing her suture patterns.
  • I will not use my human to hide behind in hide and seek.
  • I will not get on the roof, meow frantically, then claw my human as he tries to rescue me with a ladder.
  • I realize that the human is not trying to get away from me when she closes the bathroom door, so I won't open it [especially] when we have guests.
  • I will not zip out the front door when the delivery man comes and the house guest answers the door, and then is forced to run all over the neighborhood chasing the 'cat on the run' in her house coat.
  • I am not an alarm clock and am not obligated to wake the humans.
  • My human does not need rescuing from the bath.
  • Taking a bath is not dangerous for my human.
  • The doctor on a house call does not need assistance. His bag is not the perfect hiding place.
  • I will play with the humans when they want, not when I want.
  • I will not leap onto visiting grandmother's shoulders by catapulting myself from the back of a chair after getting a running start from across the room.
  • (Yes, my cat actually performed this circus stunt, almost sending my grandmother into coronary care)
  • I will not open the window coverings and cause the unclothed human to flash his/her neighbors. 
  • I will allow the human to get back to sleep after he goes to the bathroom.
  • My human is capable of grooming himself. There is no need for me to, especially when he is trying to sleep.
  • I will not censor Dad's reading material by batting away the book while he tries to read.
  • I will not lie under the coffee table and hiss at all of Mommy's guests.
  • I will not attempt to crawl into the salad bowl on the kitchen table while Mommy is entertaining dinner guests.
  • I will not hiss and spit at the vet, even though I don't like what she does to me, because it embarrasses my Mom greatly.
  • The vet is my *friend*, and only does what she does for my own good, so I will *not* require the use of 3 veterinary assistants to hold me down in order to keep me from ripping out her throat.
  • Just because my human bends over does not mean he wants me to jump on his back.
  • I will not attack Mommy's ear just because she put me on a diet.
  • I will not rush out from behind the couch all of a sudden and bury my claws in Daddy's leg.
  • I will not alter my local gravity so that my normal 10 pounds increases to *40*.
  • I will not make my feet smaller, so that they gore the human when I'm standing on his chest/belly; particularly in combination with the above.
  • I will not lie next to my human's ear and purr as loudly as I can to show my devotion.
  • I will not jump into the human's lap, and then see how far I can get the tip of my tail up his nose.
  • I do not need to take the dirty diaper to the diaper pail. The human is quite able to do that himself.
  • I will not go lick, lick, lick, *chomp* on the human's chin, especially when he is trying to sleep.
  • I will not commence biting my human's toes when she exits the shower.
  • I will not wage full scale war on my human's head at 3 am (or 4 am or 5 am...), when she is obviously asleep.
  • The pillow on the bed belongs to mommy. I am not supposed to cuddle around mommy's head and slowly push her head off the pillow while she is sleeping.
  • Daddy's eyelids are not toys to kill when they move, like when he is waking up.
  • I must not stalk my human sibling as she lies in her bed just because she has turned out the light and stopped moving. She is not dead just trying to sleep.
  • I must not jump on my human sibling's head or push toys down on her from the bedhead. By making her jump I am not saving her life.
  • I will not sit inches away from Mommy's face and stare at her so that she will scream when she opens her eyes.
  • I will not stick my paw into Mommy's mouth while she's sleeping.
  • I will not try to play with Mommy when she is scolding me.
  • I will stop hissing at Mommy's sister-in-law, even if it does make Mommy laugh.
  • I will not bat loose change, glasses, alarm clocks, etc from on top of the head board onto my human's head to get him to wake up.
  • When Mama has a full mug of hot (coffee | tea | herbal tea) in her hand, that is not a good time to head-butt her hand in an effort to be petted.
  • When Mama has guests over, I do not need to make a beeline for the only guest who is allergic to cats, jump in his lap, turn around, and wave my dander-laden tail under his nose. 

CATS AND NOT-ALL-THERE

If I get in the shower while it's running, I will get wet.I will not lie down and purr in the path of advancing cars.I will not put my paw under a moving sewing machine needle. (Thankfully my "Mommy" wasn't using pink thread, she wouldn't have been able to find the thread to pull it out of my paw.)Twenty pound kitties should not climb to the top of small trees and cause them to bend in half.Fast as I am, I cannot run through closed doors.I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to the bird-loving girlfriend how graceful I am.I will not swim in the toilet/bathtub/dirty dish water.I will not climb on top of the garbage can with the hinged lid, as I will fall in and trap myself.I will not get stuck in rolled up newspapers.Open windows are not meant to be jumped out of.Lit candles can burn me if I get too curious.Running down a ladder head first is a silly thing to do. I will not scoop the water from my bowl (and wonder why my paw is wet!).I will not go tunneling down the heat ducts when Mommy has the grates off to fish out all my lost cat toys.I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.I will not get behind the drawers under the waterbed and hide for three days.When Daddy is cleaning the gutters, I will not nap on the ladder steps.Flea collars are meant to be worn, not left as calling cards.I will not suck on the end of my tail until it is wet and pointy and then stick it into Mommy's face for inspection.I will not sit and stare at the front door for hours on end, in the vain hope that my burning gaze will melt the lock and the door will fly open on MY command.If I don't drink out of the toilet, I will not fall in.I will not remove Mommy's stuffed bear from her dresser and kill it EVERY SINGLE DAY.I will not blame the human if I slip and fall into the toilet while getting a drink. It is well known that 'blue' is my favourite flavor for water.If I climb a tree I can use my claws to stay attached. This does not work with metal lampposts.I cannot spring at a bird through a fence.I will not break the lock on Momma's sewing kit so that I can attack, kill and eat two yards of nylon carpet thread and then have Momma and Papa spend $536.02 to have it retrieved from my intestines, and then return home only to try and break the lock on the new and much more sturdier sewing kit so I can wreak vengeance on the thread that caused me such a tummyache.The top of an open door or window is not wide enough for a cat to lie on comfortably. Descent may also be difficult.When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.I acknowledge that the ceiling fan is definitely out of reach. I will no longer try to jump up and catch it.If I climb my human's bike, it will fall and scare the sh*t out of me.I will not go to warp speed and tear about the house after leaving something obnoxious and uncovered in the cat box.
The human with the frizzy clown wig on is the same one you live with, not a horrible new monster to run from.