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News Excerp
This is a funny "news excerp" from the "Egyptian Herrald". It is based on the bible events of the ten plagues that befell Egypt.
You can read the bible account at Exodus chapters 7 through 14.
Excerps from the "Egyptian Herald" (re-prints exempt from copyright which expired 3,645 years ago)
ISRAELITE MAN DEMANDS PHARAOH RELEASE HIS SLAVES
1514 BC - Two men came in from the desert demanding the release of our slaves. They have no army and expect Pharaoh to let them go free. Palace source
said the Pharaoh was not very happy with this arrangement. Bookmakers at the Memphis casino put the odds of this happening at 1,246,100 to 1. Israelites slave laborers were not available
for comment, they were too busy gathering straw.
ECONOMIC FORECASTS GOOD
The Egyptian economy is set for a boom year! Wheat crops look good, livestock numbers are up, inflation is down. This is due to good government by our
Pharaoh. A gallup poll puts his popularity at a record high!
NILE TURNS TO BLOOD - EGYPT DECLARED A DISASTER
The whole of the land of Egypt was in panic when the Nile River turned to blood. At the Memphis stock market the price of water exceeded that of gold.
Everyone was selling gold stocks and hoarding water. In the palace the .....
PRIEST SACKED IN BIG BLUNDER
One of the priests of the Pharaoh was today suspended without pay, stripped of his holiday pay and his retirement pension. He offended the Pharaoh when
he was called in to undo the plague of the Nile turning to blood. He showed the Pharaoh he could do the same and turned the last barrel of fresh water into blood. The Pharaoh was reported
as being furious and very thirsty.
MOSES TURNS BLOOD BACK INTO WATER
Nile Delta Egypt. Moses today restored the Nile river to water. Thousands of smelly Egyptian noblemen had their first bath in days. This once again
caused a water shortage as no one wanted to drink the polluted water.
FROG PLAGUE - WORST EVER!
A plague of frogs is plaguing the land of Egypt. They are jumping all over our pressroom keyboards. This is the fifth edition of this paper as frogs
kept getting into the printing presses. Meanwhile the chief baker has reportedly been beheaded because Pharaoh cut into a loaf of bread and found a frog baked in it.
Pharaoh has decreed that the word frog is as offensive as profanity against the king so we are not to be using the word (censored)in future editions!
PLAGUE OF (censoreds) BECOMES WORSE
This morning the Pharaoh locked himself in his royal bedroom, which had thus far been kept (censored) free. He called in the priests of the (censored)
goddess Heqt demanding that they do something to rid Egypt of (censoreds). They performed a miracle and produced 2378 (censoreds) in the Pharaohs bedroom. The Pharaoh was hopping mad and
trampled 3 (censoreds). When he collapsed in his chair from stress he sat on 3 more (censoreds). No one has seen those priests since that time.
The people of Egypt were selling their shares in the (censored) temple as angry mobs ransacked the place ..............
(Censoreds) DISAPPEAR - BAN LIFTED
Pharaoh ordered the chief scribes to erase from history what happened yesterday. Since we cannot comment of what did not happen yesterday we have
nothing to write about. Meanwhile Egyptians were carting off stinking heaps of what did not happen yesterday away.
GAD FLIES MAKE LIFE MISERABLE
Glum faced office workers commuted to downtown Memphis trying to cover them self as they were chased by swarms of gad flies. All the Egyptians today are
unhappy and demoralized.
The only happy people are fly swatter manufacturers and salesmen, who were working overtime trying to keep up to demand. Stock market shares the Rameses
Fly Swat Co. hit record highs!
PESTILENCE HITS EGYPT -WHAT ELSE CAN GO WRONG?
Opposition parties were furious at the mismanagement of Egypt! Everything that can wrong has gone wrong! We tried to interview Moses but a spokesman
said that the plagues were caused by divine anger. Pharaoh's priests said it was just a little bit of bad luck. And it was bad luck for them; all of them got dismissal notices. The
priests of the sky goddess Nut said this run of bad luck was driving them nuts.
BOILS HIT EGYPTIANS - Short =BC page edition today!
We, the staff of this newspaper, implore the Pharaoh to help us as we cannot produce his daily paper. Half our staff reported sick this morning and
most of the other half are sitting in the Nile river to get relief from the pain.
HAIL HITS EGYPT - THOUSANDS OF CASUALTIES
Heavy hail is hitting everywhere throughout Egypt! One priest was reportedly beaten to death by an enraged Pharaoh when he came into Pharaoh's presence
and greeted him with the traditional greeting, "Hail, oh Pharaoh!"
TODAY NEWS DOOM GLOOM AND BAD NEWS
When will it end? Inflation has hit 785% Meat is 10 Gold coins per steak as all the stock was killed in the pestilence. Vegetables and fruit are
imported by camel from Canaan and Goshen as the hail wrecked our crops! Vegetables on the market are wilted and stinking after traveling on camels across the Sinai desert for two weeks.
One apple costs 2 gold coins, a 3000% inflation level. Hail, and locusts wrecked the grain crops. Bread cameled in from Ethiopia takes 8 days to arrive by express freight, by which time
it is moldy. Strikes were breaking out and revolts by slaves were common place. Meanwhile Lloyds of the Celt will not insure next years wheat, and Moody's on Londonium downgraded the
Egyptian economy to - OOO.
ONE MILLION CASUALTIES - WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT
The land is in mourning! Thousands of casualties! All firstborns are dead! Even the Pharaoh's first born dies. This paper will henceforth close until a
new owner can be found. The value of newspaper stocks has fallen to next to nothing! This was mainly because Egyptians are not buying newspapers any more, as they are sick of bad news and
more bad news.
GALLUP POLL - PHARAOH'S POPULARITY FALLS!
The pharaoh's popularity has fallen to 0.5%, a record low. Meanwhile the Pharaoh is considering letting the Hebrew slaves go. He said that the plagues
had nothing to do with this, but that he was doing this to show he really was a kind king. He did not, however, show any kindness to Moses and Aaron, and was unavailable for comment. From
what we gather he is not on speaking terms with many people, as he has sacked his priest, beheading his baker, dismissed all his slaves, lost his son and much of his pride. He said that
this was not one of his better weeks.......
Written by: Martin Van Rossum
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